Of the topics that irritate my college students the most when I teach my Leading Lives That Matter seminar, family relationships top the list. Unfortunately, the usual way my students deal with these difficulties is through dreams of estrangement. As one of my students recently said, «I can’t wait to be financially independent enough to leave my family and their luggage behind.»
This perspective is symptomatic of a growing trend of conflict avoidance It manifests itself across the spectrum of interpersonal relationships, from ghostly romantic partners and friends to «quietly giving up» (and «silent shot«) in the workplace. In cases of abuse and other extreme circumstances, such disconnection may be the only safe option. But too often, this behaviour it is an excuse to avoid the dirty work of maintaining relationships, both personal and professional.
Many managers and employees want to escape the rampant animosity they experience online, preferring the workplace to feel like a safe cocoon.
Contrary to the feeling of momentary empowerment we may experience from blocking a social media profile or our relief from dodging a potentially tense work meeting, avoiding conflict can compromise our long-term resilience, mental health, and productivity. This year, we should all work to reverse the trend and lean on conflict, and conflict resolution, instead.
During research for his 2020 book, «Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them,» Cornell University psychologist and gerontologist Karl Pillemer conducted a national survey that found that 27% of Americans 18 and older had cut off all contact with at least one family member.. And increasingly, ghosting is the way these breaks happen. As the Royal Simple Magazine Said while offering advice for managing such fissures, ghosting is «the completely modern way to get out of someone’s life.»
There are many reasons for the rise in conflict avoidance, starting with the way modern communications: and mistrust of others — makes it easier to disconnect from someone you don’t want to interact with. the atomized, social experience oriented online of youth, exacerbated by the pandemic, has also reduced in-person interactions that require compromise and, with it, how to resolve differences.
The very real fear of being attacked on social media, and even offline, for broaching a subject in a way that others find offensive doesn’t encourage sharing either. At the same time, it is possible to spend days, even weeks, sequestered in digital echo chambers where our thoughts and worldviews reverberate in the safety of the stereo. It is very easy to lose the muscles necessary to resolve conflicts.
Other social changes have also contributed. Two British researchers, whose studies focus on the dramatic increase in perfectionism among younger generations, they have found that “increased competitiveness, individualism, economic inequality, and pressure to excel in school and college,” as well as an increase in “parental expectations and criticism,” create overwhelming pressure to succeed academically and professionally. , even in personal life.
Perfectionism affects and, in turn, limits the ways we feel confident in communicating, which makes a lot of sense. If we remain silent, we conveniently avoid expressions that could be considered inferior or incorrect. Getting parents involved in everything from grades to time to play on sports teams in pursuit of this perfection probably also prevents children from learning to advocate for themselves rather than being passive observers.
The pandemic, unsurprisingly, is another culprit, exacerbating students’ experience of relational stress. A 2022 online survey of 1,153 Chinese college students found that the pandemic may have contributed to participants’ «Hypersensitive and heightened» feelings of anger when faced with even small degrees of «threatening information.».”
Even our self-help culture can play a role. Jessica Nudelman shared on the Collective World website that her encounter with the «self-love» movement motivated her to remove the people she cared about from her life. it didn’t «feel right» to be around or that she thought they did not «reciprocate» the effort she made to maintain the relationship.
Workplace consultant Amy Gallo told me that we have become too «conflict averse» and that too many organizations do not have «enough conflict.» Gallo, author of the «HBR Guide to Dealing with Conflict,» said many managers and employees want to escape the rampant animosity they experience online, preferring the workplace to feel like a safe cocoon.
But in the process they throw the baby out with the bathwater. While «interpersonal conflict» is not beneficial (think: attacking a coworker’s values or character), «task and process conflict» (think: collaborative brainstorming and debating the merit of ideas) yes it is, according to Gallo. It is essential for productivity, creativity and stronger working relationships.
There’s no question: It’s much easier to create civil relationships with coworkers when we let go of our strong political worldview and perceived slights. But our resilience Y mental health – not to mention the resistance of our closest relationships — would greatly benefit from turning toward, not away from, respectful relational conflict.
Dr. Eugene Beresin, a psychiatrist at Harvard Medical Schoolobserved that relationships «become stronger, longer lasting, and closer through conflict resolution,» in part because resolving conflict «requires developing interpersonal skills that are essential for loving and effective relationships,» such as listening and toleration. the differences.
Communication skills and empathy are enhanced, explained communications researcher and therapist Jennifer A. Sampa, because «research suggests that the process of conflict and discussion facilitates dialogue and awareness of another’s perspective.»
If that’s not selfish enough, there’s this: Research published in The Journals of Gerontology Series B found that study participants who intentionally resolved daily conflicts they reported that their stress decreased and even disappeared afterwards. They experienced fewer negative emotions that day and the next compared to the others, and their positive emotions remained stable for longer.
Ultimately, the writer who cut communication with those who «didn’t feel good to be around» reconnected with these people. With time and introspection, he discovered that his impulsive act was selfish and had backfired on him. Among the ideas she picked up was the need to practice the same compassion and patience with others as she did with herself, and for other people to show love in different ways, «and that’s okay.»
Sometimes complicated relationships are the perfect way to learn about other people in our lives and about ourselves.